Impostor Sendromu da Neymis?

Bugünlerde yeni bir kavramla tanıştım:
Impostor Sendromu (ya da Türkçesiyle “Sahtekârlık Sendromu”).
O kadar ilgimi çekti ki, okuduklarımda kendimi bulduğum çok an oldu. Belki siz de bu satırlarda kendinize bir yer bulursunuz diye paylaşmak istiyorum.

“Ben Yapabiliyorsam Herkes Yapar” Diyorsanız…

• Başarılarınızı küçümsüyor, “Ben yaptıysam, demek ki herkes yapabilir,” diye düşünüyorsanız...

• İş yerinde yaptığınız en ufak hatanın her şeyi ortaya çıkaracağını, insanların sizin bu alanda aslında yetersiz olduğunuzu anlayacaklarını sanıyorsanız…

• Geldiğiniz noktayı kendi yeteneklerinizden çok, şansa, tesadüfe ya da doğru zamanda doğru yerde olmaya bağlıyorsanız…

Belki de siz de Impostor Sendromu yaşıyorsunuz.

Bu konuda uzman olan Valerie Young, bu sendroma sahip kişilerin — ne kadar başarılı olurlarsa olsunlar — hep yetersiz olduklarını düşündüklerini, başkalarını bir şekilde kandırdıklarına inandıklarını ve “bir gün o maske düşecek” korkusuyla yaşadıklarını anlatıyor.

Bu insanlar çoğu zaman:

• Mükemmeliyetçidir.

• Sahnede, derste ya da sunumda aşırı hazırlanırlar.

• İlk seferde “en iyisini” yapma baskısıyla hareket ederler.

• Hırslıdırlar, çalışkandırlar ama hiçbir başarıya içten içe tam olarak inanamazlar.

• Her yükselişleriyle birlikte, “işte şimdi foyam ortaya çıkacak” korkuları da artar.

• “Daha çok verirsem, benden daha çok beklenir” endişesiyle yaşarlar.

• Ve en kötüsü: Başarılarını hak etmediklerine inanırlar.

Ayrıca bu insanlar genellikle her konuda bilgi sahibi olmaya çalışırlar.
“Bir gün lazım olur” diye öğrenirler.
Ama bilgilerini paylaşmaktan bile çekinirler, çünkü ya eksikse, ya yanlışsa, ya da yeterince emin değillerse…

İçimdeki Ses Susmuyor

Geçen hafta bir iş teklifi aldım.
O günden beri aklımda yankılanıp duran cümleleri buraya yazayım da görün neyle uğraşıyorum:

“İşte yolun sonuna geldin.
Burası b.ku yediğin yer!
Seni seçmek zorunda kaldılar çünkü düzgün başka başvuru yoktu.
Onları kandırdın.
Senden başka herkes bu işi gayet normal yapabilir.
Zaten iş dediğin nedir ki, onu bile eline yüzüne bulaştıracaksın.
Çalış şimdiden, oku, hazır ol, aptal gibi görünme!
Çok iddialı da olma, sakın!
Yapamayacağını söyle, itiraf et!
Eninde sonunda seni kovacaklar.
Yerine birini bulur bulmaz kapı önüne koyacaklar.
Zaten o maaşı hak etmiyorsun.
Beklenti büyük, sen bittin.
Her kuruşunu hak etmek için deli gibi çalış!”

İşe yeni eğitim döneminde, yani Şubat’ta başlayacağım.
Ama her gün “Bugün arayıp işe almadıklarını söyleyecekler” diye düşünüyorum.
Her gün.

Aklımda hep aynı korkular, beynimde durmadan dönen aynı cümleler.
Ve evet, çok berbat bir his.

Olayı O Kadar Abartıyorum Ki…

Beni dinleyen biri sanır ki, başbakan olmuşum!
Halbuki dandik bir öğretmenlik işi… Ama ondan bile ödüm patlıyor.

Milli Piyango çıksa “rahatsız eder” diye ikramiyeyi geri çevirecek kadar absürt bir his hali içindeyim.
Resmen içimden “Alın teklifinizi, istemem!” diyesim geliyor.
Ama o iç ses susmuyor.
Sadece içim değil, midem bile geriliyor.

Yazma Terapisi: Bir Çare Olur Mu?

Okuduğum kaynaklardan biri, bu tür durumlarda writing therapy — yazma terapisi — öneriyor.
İnsan ne hissediyorsa döksün kağıda, kelimelere.

Ben de şu an bunu yapıyorum.
Yazıyorum, çünkü başka bir şey elimden gelmiyor.
Bu satırlar bir çare olur mu bilmiyorum ama içimden geçenleri dışarı çıkarmak biraz da olsa hafifletiyor gibi…

Ve Sonuç?

Hiçbir şey değişmedi!
Ama en azından farkındayım.
Kabul ediyorum:

Ben hapi yuttum.

Ama belki bu yazı, bir yerlerde aynı duygularla boğuşan başka birine yalnız olmadığını hatırlatır.
Ve belki... kendi iç sesimizi biraz susturmanın yolunu birlikte buluruz.

Do you dismiss your accomplishments as “no big deal” or “If I can do it, anybody can”? Do you agonize over even the smallest flaws in your work or beat yourself up when you make a mistake? Do you feel crushed by even constructive criticism, seeing it as evidence of your “ineptness?” When you do succeed, do you think, “Phew, I fooled ‘em this time but I may not be so lucky next time.”

If so join the club.

What you’ve just seen is the “Impostor Syndrome” in action. Despite clear evidence to the contrary, you feel inadequate to do the work you’re fully capable of performing. Instead you believe they are somehow “fooling” other people into thinking you’re brighter and more capable than you “know” yourself to be. Deep down you feel like an impostor, fake, and fraud.

The fact is you’re pretty smart. I don’t necessary mean “book smart,” although there’s a good chance that you have at least one degree. In fact you may have two or even three. Some might consider you a high achiever, although it’s unlikely you see yourself that way.

You’re the kind of person who likes to know everything you possibly can about the subject at hand before stepping out there. After all you’re not about to risk speaking up in front of others, going after that plum assignment, or selling yourself as some kind of expert unless you’re totally prepared. I’m not talking here about doing your home work. I’m talking about needing to know 150 percent.

And when you do make a mistake you have a really hard time forgiving yourself. After all, in your mind it’s your failures that really count… so you avoid them at all costs.

Which means you’re probably somewhat of a perfectionist. Not only do you like to get everything just right, but you like to do it right the first time. No first drafts or dry runs for you. You’ve got to nail it right out of the gate. Of course you also have to make it look easy.

That’s not to say that you’re a stranger to hard work. Just the opposite.

You’re probably prone to over-preparing and you may even be a bit of a workaholic. But when it comes to buckling down to tackle the things that really matter – finishing your thesis, starting the big project, acting on that great business idea – you are a master procrastinator.

After all what if you pour yourself into it only to find out you’re not up to the task? Or, worse, what if you actually manage to pull it off… the more you achieve the more they’ll expect it. And if you don’t know how it you did it the first time, how can you possibly repeat your success?

Sure you’ve done pretty well so far. Some may even see you as quite accomplished. But then again you can probably explain all that right? “The stars were right.” “It was a small candidate pool.” “I just had good connections.” No wonder you often feel like you’ve managed to somehow fly under the radar screen undetected and it’s just a matter of time before you’re “found out.”

Dr. Valerie Young

If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “One of these days people will realize I don’t know as much as they think,” then you are in excellent company!

Liz Bingham, managing partner Ernst & Young , once thought to herself: “What are you doing here? What do you think you’re doing? You’re going to be found out.” Academy Award winning actress Kate Winslet confided: “I’d wake up in the morning before going off to a shoot, and think, I can’t do this; I’m a fraud.” Fellow actor Don Cheadle shared a similar sentiment: “All I can see is everything I’m doing wrong that is a sham and a fraud.”

Needless to say, the list of people who sometimes worry about being uncovered as an impostor is as impressive as it is long.  Having to live with a nagging fear of being  “found out” as not being as smart or talented or deserving or experienced or (fill-in-the-blank) as people think is a common phenomenon. So common, in fact, that the term “Impostor Syndrome” was coined to describe it back in the 1980’s.  Indeed, researchers believe that up to 70% of people have suffered from it at some point. Myself included.

Apart from serial narcissists, super low achievers and outright crazies, no one is immune to the self-doubt that feeds Impostor Syndrom e. But what matters most is not whether we occasionally (or regularly) fear failing, looking foolish or not being ‘whatever enough’; it’s whether we give those fears the power to keep us from taking the actions needed to achieve our goals and highest aspirations. Unfortunately, too often people do just that.

Focus on the value you bring; not on attaining perfection.

Impostor Syndrome is the domain of the high achiever. Those who set the bar low are rarely it’s victim. So if you are relating to what I’m sharing, then pat yourself on the back because it’s a sure sign that you aren’t ready to settled into the ranks of mediocrity. Rather, you’re likely to be a person who aims high and is committed to giving your very best to whatever endeavour you set your sights upon. A noble aim to be sure.

But giving your best is not the same as being the best. Likewise, there’s a distinct difference between trying to better yourself and being better than every one else. Overcoming the Imposter Syndrome requires self-acceptance: you don’t have to attain perfection or mastery to be worthy of the success you’ve achieved and any accolades you earn along the way. It’s not about lowering the bar, it’s about resetting it to a realistic level that doesn’t leave you forever striving and feeling inadequate. You don’t have to be Einstein to be a valuable asset to your organization and to those around you. Nor do you have to attain perfection to share something with the world that enriches people’s lives in some way.
Nobel Laureate Maya Angelou once said: “I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’ ” Fortunately for all of us she has never let her fear of being ‘found out’ stop her from putting pen to paper and sharing thoughts that have expanded our hearts and enriched our lives.

Own your successes. You didn’t get lucky by chance.

Those who often fear being “found out” have a tendency to attribute their success to external factors – like luck or a helping hand. Unsurprisingly, women tend to do this more often than men who are are more likely to attribute their successes to a combination of internal factors, such as grit, talent, brains and sheer hard work.

High achievers tend to focus more on what they haven’t done versus what they have. Take Dr. Margaret Chan, Chief of the World Health Organization, for example. She once said: ”There are an awful lot of people out there who think I’m an expert. How do these people believe all this about me? I’m so much aware of all the things I don’t know.”

But just as we must take responsibility for our failures in life, we must also take responsibility for our successes. Minimizing them serves no-one. So if you sometimes feel undeserving of your success, try writing a list of all the key things you’ve accomplished over the last 5 years. I would hazard a guess that even the fruits of your last 12 months’ effort will help you to see how well deserved all your success.

Cease comparisons. They’re an act violence against oneself.

Author Iyanla Vanzant believes that “comparison is an act of violence against the self.” Comparisons are always subjective, often biased and rarely helpful. Acutely aware of how hard we’re working to keep our head above water and fulfill expectations, we often mistakenly assume others are getting by more effortlessly. The reality is that many many people are stretched and struggling just like you. Perhaps not in the same way, but in their own way, with their own unique set of challenges, insecurities and internal struggles.
Too often we fall into the trap of comparing our insides with others outsides; our weaknesses with others strengths. We say to ourselves, “If only I could speak with the confidence and humor of John,” “If only I could decipher a P&L as fast as Ruth,” or “If only I was as creative as Susan.” Meanwhile, all the Johns and Ruths and Susans are thinking: “If only I was as good with the details, or navigating the politics, or creating strategy, or fostering collaboration” as you!

Hold firm to ambition. Risk outright exposure!

Fear of being “found out” can sabotage success on multiple fronts as it drives us to settle for less than we want and steer a wide berth from situations that might expose our inadequacy and unworthiness. Yet while our fears urge to us to stick with what we know we’re good at – where risk of being uncovered is minimized - letting fear sit at the helm in life is a surefire recipe for a life of lackluster mediocrity.

As I wrote in Stop Playing Safe, “While playing safe removes the immediate risk of exposure, it opens up the greater risk of never knowing just how capable, deserving and “more than” worthy you truly are.” It’s why, as Sheryl Sandberg has declared so loudly in her book Lean In, women must “lean in” to new challenges. It’s why, regardless of gender, we must all dare to lay our pride and vulnerability on the line, particularly when our fears are urging us to play safe.

It takes courage to take on challenges and pursue aspirations that leave you wide open to falling short, losing face and being ‘found out.’ But when you refuse to let your doubts dictate your choices, you open new doors of opportunity and discover just how much you can really do. Even if you never accomplish all you aspire toward, you will accomplish so much more than you otherwise would have. In the process you’ll come to realize that the only impostor you ever had to worry about is your fear of people thinking you are one.

Margie Warrell is the best-selling author of Stop Playing Safe (Wiley) and Find Your Courage (McGraw-Hill).